Studio consultants spread blurry vision

Hollywood keeps a watchful eye on its screeners.

When a slate of movies failed to perform in the old days, the studio chief would yell at his aides and then fire up a new slate. In today's corporate Hollywood, there's a different solution: Hire a consultant.

Big companies like consultants because they always tell them what they want to hear. To justify their fees, however, they frame their comments in an arcane lexicon -- consultese.

I ran into two consultants at the airport the other day -- call them Mike and Bill -- and, after a few drinks, they had some candid things to say about their studio clients.

"These guys don't want to know the truth," Mike offered. "Filmgoers now see only 6.6 movies a year vs. eight a couple of years ago, but they only want good news."

"What do you tell them?" I asked.

"I tell them it's a temporary phenomenon," Mike said. "Audiences are reassessing their price/value equations. That means studios must intensify their value proposition."

"One quarter of the people going to movies protest the commercials they see in theaters," Bill said. "Talk about burning off your deliverables ...."

"But the studios believe they're putting good movies out there," I said.

"Then they'd better re-analyze their innovation fulcrum," Mike snapped. "Only in Hollywood can you remake a $3 million movie on a $150 million budget. I mean, where are their burner theorems?"

"Any other industry would be outsourcing its core product. Not to mention redefining brand equity," Bill added.

"OK, in English, guys -- what's the basic problem here?" I demanded.

Bill looked exasperated. "Shitty movies, man," he blurted. "You can't get away with this stuff when the kids already spend 8% of their time gaming and only 6% at the movies. In those homes where you have competing technologies like DVD or videogames, people are seeing one-third fewer movies."

"Distributors don't even understand their sweet spot," Mike said. "Young Hispanics see far more movies than young African-Americans, but no one makes product for them."

"So, again, in English, what are you telling your clients?"

"I don't use English," Bill said. "I wouldn't get paid if I talked English."

"Try it ... just once."

"Go for quality, man. Almost 20% of your audience consists of hardcore discriminating filmgoers who are adults and also buy DVDs when they like the movie. Focus on your core audience and stop targeting every movie for every filmgoer."

"But don't quote us on that," Mike put in. "I mean, we have a business to run. And our business is built on obscuring problems, not solving them."

"I get it," I assured them. And they rushed off to make their plane.

Screaming over screeners

I've been getting petulant letters lately from Academy members and others on the so-called Oscar screener list. It seems they're getting pissed off by the harsh letters of admonition and dire warnings that accompany the DVDs and cassettes.

"The way all this started," wrote one Oscar voter, "the studios wanted my vote so they sent me their films. It was their idea."

As the process has evolved, he pointed out, the studios now say they're doing voters a favor by sending them their films, all the while warning that, if a DVD falls into unfriendly hands, the FBI will call.

"I don't want the responsibility," says one veteran Oscar voter. "I don't know how to dispose of this stuff. And I don't like being threatened."

So the issue comes down to a simple question: Who is doing whom a favor? Can a studio both solicit support and threaten at the same time?

Maybe we need another consultant.